its monday.....
where to take this today....
so many memories in my head....
52 years of mementos n souvenirs
most days i thank my lucky starrs
that im no longer a slave to the gear....
somedays i feel like i still have all the time in the world
otherdays i feel the future like a rope round my neck
at times i feel so lucky
othertimes i wonder how i coulda got everything so wrong
bitter regrets
if only if only if only
i'll be standing there doing yoga
my mind a blank....
then.....
wonderfully projected on that blank mind
a scene from my life
where i snubbed/sneered/cheated/fiddled/blanked/lied
exaggerated/embarrassed/hounded/nagged/belittled
etc/etc/etc
somebody
especially the ratbag the junk unleashed
one day
when it all doesnt hurt
well...
i have a book in me about my gear "adventures"
in sweden, easily
an australian junky negotiating the mean cold streets
of stockholm
getting ripped off
getting high
being chased, punched, followed, ignored
freezing in arctic stations
melting into the shadows of the long summer evenings
furtive exchanges on trains
sittin back at home in my lovely apt
blasted on the excellent svenska scag
watching fluffy snow swirling round n round
i could see statshuset from my window
thats like parliament house
i had a lovely modern kitchen
tiny but elegant
elli n minna would sit at my table
eating baked beans on toast
sitting on art deco stools
the kitchen was ,like, salmon pink
with deep blue tiles
bare polished floorboards
i slept in a little loft above the hallway
i crept up to my bed by a little ladder
oh it was so cosy when it was dark and snowing
my apartment was always a perfect temperature too
you could walk round in yer undies
when it was minus 30 outside
there were no draughts
no cold spots
it was heated by these radiators
which filled with warm water
(you couldnt even burn yerself.....)
all by themselves
and voila
the place was always cosy as toast
too stuffy..?
crack a window a little
let that fresh nordic air in then
my apt was basically one huge room
marty used to crash there all the time
when he was in sweden....
sometimes i stupidly felt sorry for other idiots
on the gear like me
and let em come around my rather upmarket apt.
one guy was freezing and hungry
i didnt have much
so i made him the sk staple in those bleak days:
semolina pudding
after this particular harmless but stupid idiot
had fixed up and dropped some pills
he was so blissfully out of it
he sat down his his semolina and then
went and sat all over my apt
with semolina pudding stuck to his bum
i got angry and threw 'im back out into the snow
another idiot
after i'd given him shelter n food
i caught him red handed stealing 500 crowns
outta my coat pocket
i said lasse
how could ya do that to me
he says
i was cleaning up for you
and i was cleaning your pockets too
and i thought this was an old bit of paper....
the idiot was believing his tale
even as he made it up!
he stared up innocently
after he was about to rob me blind
another nassty ratbag called leffe
sold me 2000 crowns worth of raspberry cordial
that did NOT have methodone innit
and i was sick like a donkey
by the time i found out....
talk about a dog eat dog world
the swedish narkomen n women
could not be trusted
wow!
rude awakenings
cold ripped off dawns
empty handed in some station
silence of the snow
waiting
always waiting
at home
waiting for kjelle
a huge blond dealer
looked like an over sized matt damon
smoked ro-hypnol off an aluminium foil
before his shot
sometimes he gave me credit
i was the only one of his clients who was human he said
or there was dagge
i was with him once
he stole this car
he just had a little pick he use
started it up
picked up 2 other wretches
drive to this industrial suburb
there dagge n these other 2 idiots
shoot up in the car out the back of some factory
its cold n its snowing
one guy greedily has 2 much and nods off
the other 2 just roll him outta the car into the white void
but i protest
hes gonna freeze to death in five minutes
fukk himm man dagge says
i thought the guy was a goner
but
sure enuff
he turns up at the station a few days later
he doesnt even remember...
things were outta control
like it was dream
i become a character on the scene
i knew every fucking badde guy down there
i still got ripped off
bang a hundred bucks gone just like that!
someone sold you a cap full of nothing
and it was yer last money
and yer sick n cold
but yer cant go home emptyhanded...
oh terrible times
no rest for the wicked!
always running around
waiting here n there
waiting at home
almost lifeless
every smallest thing unbearable
believe what you heard
junk withdrawal IS the worst thing
a million times worse than a broken arm
it gonna get you and make you wish you never been born
think of every misery youve ever known
you gonna freeze to burn
your stomach is gonna try n leave yer body
you cant sleep n thats the worst thing
thats the thing that gets them poor wretches
back out there
hustling, dealing, prostituting, stealing, pawning
not the high
its the low
a low that no one can stand
you cant do it on will power baybee
it dont work like that
that stuff wasnt finished with me
until one day
by the grace of god
it was finished with me
it didnt work anymore
the obsession lifted
it exerts no attraction on me any longer
im disinterested
but up until then
nothing helped
beware fiendss
dont monkey round with that one
oohh! you'll rue the day
you let the gear in!
its a bad bad deal
watch out tho
cos gambling, sex, road rage and gossip
are still out there
anybody could get addicted to anything
just gotta make that connexion...
or not
jus' remember
when you see that fucking disgusting wino
or that sweaty skanky junky
think
there but for the grace of god
goes sk!
love ya
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60 comments:
now i thank god that you left that life; "substanced lifestyle", as a gossipy Mae Moore wrote in her intimate liner notes... (not so glad you left Sweden, so we might have seen you playing here more often maybe....gorgeous country, actually).... --- i cannot imagine having the will power to let something like that go - - and to read your clear lines and listen to your music tells me that there was no deeper damage done.
go and write that book. :)
you've been places you only read about or see in movies...another world.
ed in florida
I had that line in my head all day yesterday sk!! "there but for the grace of god" ... dont know why.
I can imagine it Steve but I dont want to think about you going through it. You must have a very strong person inside ya there (angel?)because addiction's such a unrelenting noose. Next to bad news about your family, this is actually the saddest thing you've written.
we love ya too babe!
x
god, i went through so much of that shit with my brother, the alcoholic gearhead... the people he'd bring round, jesus, i slept with a baseball bat next to my bed... the lies and the stealing from our Mother... i wanted to kill that fuckhead, but i figured he'd do a better job of it himself... if he would just leave us alone was my wish... one day i just left, had to...
both he and my Mom eventually got clean, but it was shells where people had been... and he never really left the lies behind, which is a source of dread to this day... but i saw that low you spoke of, and i knew i wanted no part of that... ever...
you sir, are a lucky and blessed man...
and therefore, so are we...
glad you made it and continue to do so,
keep the awareness...
and write that book!!!
aloha,
ee
we were definetely living "the slow crack", but not anymore... thanks to me Lord...
mjnjr
I love to read your blog. I have only been stumbling over your words for about a month or so. I tune in every day. I was thinking about it last night... what is it that I like about your words? Your heightened sensitivity... that's what gets me. The topic isn't that important. I like the reminiscing, the nostalgia, the funny stories but above all the truth always radiates most strongly.
A knight with dented armour.
I am glad you're back with us.
good stuff...nuttin glamourous there...a good reality check.
Dude, you are THE absolute best! Absolute!
m
So glad you made it.
it's a comfort to have you as my elder to listen to and glean insight from
thank you
x
a chilling read today, steve. the horrors of addiction.
**shudder**
i'm sure getting through this experience was the hardest thing you've ever done in your life, and to come out of it in one piece like you did is nothing short of a miracle. i'm glad you made it through, though, because you would have died. of that there is no doubt.
steve, you are wonderful. we love you, too!!
"watch out tho
cos gambling, sex, road rage and gossip
are still out there
anybody could get addicted to anything"
I've heard it said that porn sites account for 80 - 90% of internet hits. From the relative obscurity of adult video stores, the most gruesome of acts are now freely available in many lounge rooms across the world...at the click of a mouse!
For those who were addicted to video porn...this new age of cyberspace can bring you to your knees.
Fight back I say....reclaim your freedom and your dignity!
hey,
thanx for sharing this experience!i prayed countless times 4 you and that you would be healed and made whole again.there is a god!and he can do things that we cant even imagine!thank you,thank you,thank you.....arcturus
Reality liquifies
becomes a fluid thing
when subjected to the kind of heat generated
by the kind of broken-valve desire
you're talking about.
But you try telling your inner child not to touch the naked flame because its hot.
Hot, you say?
I wonder what that feels like...?
Well, kiddo,
go ask the insect
swimming in the pitcher plant.
...but it looks so COOL!
Glad you managed to crawl out of the whole molten mess, mate.
Great blog...chilling, chilling story...you made it through, now you're a Papa with beautiful children...phew...you wouldn't want to have missed that for the world, would you?
My significant other has off and on been a slave to the gear for many years as well. I know all too well how difficult a struggle it is. In more recent years he has often stated, as you did, it doesn't work anymore, so I have hope one day it will be a memory longer in the past than it is right now. Much admiration, SK. Glad for you to have loosed yourself of that monster...
bless you sk, we were thinkin of ya then. we do now of course too. that's why we feed you when you are here.
there's nothing else we can think of to help out other than buying everything multiple times including artwork etc.
love baybee love
r.
SK,
A thoughtfull and meaningfull post , you have been through alot - to hell and back,
Please devote your experience's to preventing others going down that road-
Love
DR
There's this woman on public access that's an extremely "passionate" preacher, boarderline hysterical...came to find out she used to be a heroin addict.
She traded one obsession for another, and I reckon she still struggles to get the balance right.
It's
delicate.
Te amamos.
Cee y todos
xox
I would love to read the book!
Back in the nineties one of my friends, who is also a Church fan, told me that you were on the gear. I wondered how and why you would have decided to start squirting that shit up your arm because you obviously knew the consequences. As a fan I was disappointed but it didn't stop me enjoying your music. I am glad that you're clean now, Steve.
You know from an outsiders view you never looked that bad.....I mena you never loooked like a junkie. How little we know about peoples lives just from appearance.
I think you have a pretty strong and beautiful character to get through all that. I had a massive codiene and xananx habbit for 15 years which finished 2 years ago and that was hard enough, but smack christ that must have been hard.
I'm so glad too sk, that you're not doing that anymore. I remember being in denial when rumours of you on heroin were going around, I just thought "there's NO WAY sk would do that!", but then I saw you on the Jack Frost tour one year and my heart sank when I realised it was true.
So, thanks to whatever made you get off it and I cant wait to see the happy, healthy, spunky sk back in town really soon!
Love always,
Amanda
I remember a November night in London 1994 in the back room at the Mean Fiddler in London. Myself (22years old and t-total) and Michael Farrant were doing our first interview with you for the Maven fanzine. I'd met you for the first time at the Borderline acoustic shows with Marty and was still more of an awestruck fan than a friend. I'm still in awe of your work ;)
Anyway, there'd been talk at the previous shows that you were clean and sober - drink and pot I assumed. I brought this up in the interview and you dropped the bomb on me. 'Yeah a was sober for a while, but I can't function artistically without drugs, I need things to be plugged in the wrong place'. I asked curiously where you drew the line with drugs - you didn't look too druggy to me. "We'll I wouldn't draw the line" Me: Well surely at smack? SK - Nope, if somebody walked in here now with a bit of smack I'd be up for it like a shot out of a rifle". The words rang in my ear for weeks after in a similar fashion. Was kinda hard to enjoy the gig after that too. Mixed emotions of mainly disgust and pity with a dollop of disbelief.
Anyway - we became closer over the years and kept in touch when times were good and bad. you know I never encouraged you to take that crap - but I didn't judge you for it and I always beleived you'd find your way back from the abyss. Thank God today you are the luckiest man I know on this planet. Smack free - still sickeningly talented, loving husband and father to 5 beautiful daughters.
I remember that Stockholm apartment well and still appreciate your hospitality during my visit in 98.
Even then, the good SK was in you and not giving up the fight to come back out. Maybe that was the journey you needed to take to become the better man you are today. Pity it was such a long one, but blogging didn't exist then.
I've still never taken any drugs or alcohol, but music is my fix. I'll leave that to the others and listen what they come up with.
I'll share about Amsterdam and New York some other time.
Thanks for still caring SK!
bf
Having spent the last 4 years withdrawing peeps off drugs, u r right in saying heroin's a mo fo to get off. Me? grog, pot mushies n acid, not so bad. But... the medications that these so called helpers such as psychiatrists, gp's and whatever modern day witch doctor who wants to give u a box full of god knows what to 'cure your ills'. These are the worst to get some one off. We can withdraw a heroin addict in 3-4 days with no drugs, just mega vitamin doses. The rest: methadone, zanax, codiene based pain killers, rhoies, valium, and the plethora of psychotropic 'wonder' drugs such as largactil, ritalin, prozac, zyprexa, effexor, fuxu uppa etc, looking at up to 2 weeks to withdraw them and another 2-3 months before they are anywhere near the state of a heroin addict is in 1 month. Don't get me wrong, heroin is a nasty, nasty drug, but these modern day chemical bombs are worse. A 20 yr heroin/methadone addict made it through the program with great results. a fellow woth a 2 yr history of psych/medico drugs didn't qual;ify to do the program due to the long term risks of psychosis that could rear it's head at anytime. Look at any recent shooting at schools etc. guarenteed 100% that the kiddies were poppin kiddie cocaine (ritalin) either dr given or sold at school. check out www.cchr.org for a bigger picture on what is screwing the world over. The fokkers get billions of $$ whilst the things they say they can solve like crime, mental illness, illiteracy etc matches the graph in the increase of their appropriations. IE: they are both straight up.
Steve, you have done well to rid urself of that infliction. Please do me one thing. DO NOT let anyone tell you your children need to go on behaviour modifying drugs. Your children and others who may be reading this, are the future of this planet. If they are put on drugs that sit in the same schedule as cocaine and opium, they will not have the ability to take this planet further. It is alah 1984 what these pricks want to achieve. Just don't let em eat a lot of sugary refined foods, take em to a reputable naturopath and they should be sweet. There are plenty of alternatives to what mainstream believes you should be doing. Keep looking for them and never give up!!
Have a sunny day all and keep strong.
ML,
don joe
steven,
i guess i knew you went through some incredibly rough times, however hearing about first hand with your vivid narrative really puts things into perspective about (just a few) of the experiences ya had. Thanks for sharing brudda...
freddie merk
p.s. that's some xpensive cordial!
it was a different man
Nice article, dude.
I'm going down to score... NOT!
interesting ... glad u escaped that world sk.
i for one would read such a book abuot your (former) little problem
~
So glad you escaped the black claws of the "gear" Luckily, the only thing I'm adddicted to, is the music of the Church (Collectively and individually)
Rehan
And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.
Friedrich Nietzsche
reading your words cast me back to my strange life in west berlin, sleeping in the kreuzberg kitchen, my best friend 'marty' (yeah he played guitar as well) crashed out nearby, dogs freezing on the streets, waking up in the evenings, cooking up for breakfast, strange bars and wasted faces, everyone selling you their dream, chit chat, plans unmade, frenzied dramas unfold in the coldest places, vampyres, victims, sell you a sack of nighmares for a few bits of paper and then old FN whispers in my ear, 'If it don't kill you it makes you stronger.' actually FN said a lot of intresting things when i was gazing into an abyss...but then he went nuts.
anyways that was another life,
looks like you landed on yr feet and like someone above said,
'you sir, are a lucky and blessed man...
and therefore, so are we...'
Very moving blogge today. We're so proud of you for beating your demons, just goes to show how powerful the strength of the mind can be. Hope your words deter anyone who was thinking of trying it to think again.
Love Therese
saw ya cinci and you looked vibrant..seen ya outside before the show takin pics with fans and speaking humbly. its not easy. drugs have killed alot of my friends... wasnt drugs alone that killed me, but it WAS a love affair from hell..gotta reconcile with all of it too or it fuckin sneaks its way back. im reminded in sometimes the most amazin ways..Forget Yourself could be on my current obsession list. keeps givin good vibes. couldnt rant off song titles tho, probally cuz i never bore listening. thanks for giving, man. i admire your quest in truth. peace, love
by the grace of god ;)
love thyself
My experiences were very similar and, remakably (to me), I went thru it all in roughly the same time period. It was your music (& a few others') that kept me anchored to my real self. Like you I became a denizen of the streets, forever hunting It down...at all hours on the worst of the worst streets, etc...but managed somehow to keep a (rather posh) roof over my head. Lost everything else though, a treasure trove of guitarsdrumsampskeybaords, hi-quality recording gizmos&precious musical objects down to the last vintage fuzzbox. All pawned at about 10% value. But thats OK cause I was going to get it all back when I straightened out. (uh-huh.) Not to forget the stocks&bonds&cars,clothes&nice things for the home of all descriptions...
So.. druggies in Sweden can't be trusted? Well that's a coincidence- its the same here! You will not believe it possible for human beings to be so thoroughly corrupted, so utterly devoid of honor, so soulless and despicable, until you've been on the low-end drug scene- where (as you know Steve) you inevitably find yourself when your usual supply lines foul up (or you owe your dealer too much). Yes (I have to say) there are unforgettably blissful times, but you will suffer for them. It is not worth it- absolutely not worth it. I'm fine now (I'm very lucky) but I obliterated nearly ten years, including recovery, and the losses, both material and intangible, are incalculable. Your story resonates with me, and those of us for whom you are a spiritual touchstone.
Please excuse my verbosity, and thankyou for sharing, as always.
c escherbach
I sense a lot of empathy here.
Takes one to know one.
Take some to know one.
Take one
And see your doctor if pain persists.
I've known a few people who hung out in Dante's Inferno.
Some of 'em never came back.
have to say,these tales absolutely fascinate me.you must look back with relief that you've come out the other end.i'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason.i recall talking to marty in august 05,he seemed to be on a downer about a number of things,so i reminded him of how many reasons he has to be grateful.he has the kind of life most folk dream about,hes lucky enough to do a 'job' he loves,gets paid for travelling the world,playing to adoring audiences and perhaps most important of all getting to make a hell of alot of people happy!whenever you,marty,pete and tim,ever get real pissed off just remind yourselves of that!i'm sure it would do the trick for me!!
What a story! Sounds like such a bleak and desperate existence a million miles from sunny Bondi. It would be so interesting to read another blogge entry on your experience of getting off the stuff - but probably not much fun for you.
I had a friend who was trying to get off valium - I had no idea before that how addictive it is.
And I have a friend who is a sex therapist and says that internet porn addiction is a huge problem.
You don’t have the usual side effects addictions cause. Also, because it is such a solitary pursuit and you can always find someone who is into weirder stuff than you are, people end up normalising their behaviour and down-playing it. And you can sit at your computer for hour after hour. Also, it can become almost a romantic thing like a substitute love object. If this is the arena from which you get the most positive feelings you have in your life, you are going to start adjusting your schedule to allow you to spend more and more time doing it. It’s very powerful and insidious.
Emma
P.s. I loved hearing about your experience of fatherhood too - wishing Ribbons Undone to all your girls...
I've been sober for 44 years...that's every minute of my fucking life.
Never smoked, never drank , never took drugs.
Not for any moral or ethical reasons - just never wanted to.
Got zero objections to other people doing whatever it is they want to do - I just never felt like it.
Fuck me, though - reading this, I'm damn grateful to whoever removed my consciousness-altering gene !
liked the description of sweden, I must add, I was lucky to have spent a few days there, one city i remember.... Linkoping... I can recall the train station and all the .... it must have been thousands of bicycles parked there. I had the most delicious meal of my life there... ( most expensive one too! ) As far as the gear is concerned, I havent messed wtih it , but i struggled with booze for 10 yrs. I quit five yrs ago and never looked back. I can see the comment section of this blogg turning into an NA or AA meeting ....... " ya i was a drunker , a junker, a pillpopper, a mether, it's funny how nobody ever talks about how they were so messed up on pot , that they were selling their ass for it ..... NFiction
most days i thank my lucky starrs
that im no longer a slave to the gear....
So are we, Steve. I quite like the current SK.
Exceptionally powerful blog today. I know it sounds trite, but I feel honoured that you are so open about things in your life which don't always put you in the best light. Most people wouldn't do that.
glad you got away from it steve. know others who couldn't. it's a sad thing. but you have a whole different life now. and with your virgo memory, i'm sure you remember everything, and that will keep you from ever going back. that and those little girls who mess with you while you blog! take care.
Love you too.
If all that shit would have continued, we might not have songs like "Numbers" or "Telepath."
John
I remember being so disappointed when I heard you were on the gear. Some of it was disappointment in you for your own life and some of it was dissapointment for selfish reasons... I thought I'd never hear another beautiful song from you or my favorite band. I saw you and Marty at a radio show taping in Atlanta after SA came out. I'm not sure how deep into the addiction you were at the time, but you certainly looked sad and it seemed like it was a struggle to get through the show. It's funny, because just this weekend I was talking to Olivia about "AENT" (the song) and was wondering if it was mostly about being pushed away from your family (the first one) because of your drug use. I've seen what drug addiction can do... from far away and from way too fucking close. Glad you're one of the lucky ones to come out the other side. I never judged though, because I've had a taste years ago (I don't know if you remember us talking about it in Atlanta or not) and I can see how it easily gets out of control. Hanging out with you a bit on the last tour and seeing (and reading) for myself the new you really is a beautiful thing. And I'm proud you found a way out and can be with us today... for you and your family and for my own selfish reasons again. :)
My best to you and yours,
Anthony
That's a bleak and harrowing story; it makes for compelling reading - I'm late to meet with some work folks 'cause I couldn't stop absorbing this entry, but it's ok. I remember the bust in NYC's alphabet neighborhood and remember you on the sofa at Newby's in Memphis after the show, last stop on that tour. We spoke, but you seemed deeply sad, withdrawn, you signed my Earthed book. It was a sad time for me as well, which I won't go into. I could see it in your eyes - one to another. I never dabbled in the gear, didn't want to lose control to anything, too fearful, but...at times I could have.
Very powerful blog. Glad you resurfaced and found the strength.
JJ
What a deep powerfull blog today.
I guess all ex-junkies have a book in them but none can write it like you do.
jean
To quote Jimmer Podrasky from long ago L.A. days..."I'm not your savior, I'm not your betrayer. I'm just your friend and you are mine."
It's a form of detachment as well.
Cee
Humbly grateful you shared that.
Wow. I think your stories have more of an effect on me than any anti-drug campaign or my parent's warnings ever have. I wish you didn't have to go thru those horrible things.
you try to do well by others.
*insert any junkie's name into that story*
not the first, and certainly not the last.
my only vices:
fried foods and coffee.
I pondered started a drug habit back in the day but
knew I'd like it so I never did.
Which is better starting and coming out alive
on the other end or never having known what
your limitations are?
thank you so much for the glimpses Orpheus
xo
Mary
Steve,
Brilliant. Scary. Inspiring. Sad.
You write so brilliantly - with or without the muse.
I hope you know how much so many of us LOVE you!!
Dave M
xxxx
clarity lucidity and self awareness
gives freedom to everyone else in your life as well
thanks and love
isolde
That reminds me of the first time I tried smack...I had just seen a show and was trying to impress this guy who was hooked. My body was already filled with booze and other magic stuff so eventually I just passed out.
I didn't feel the effects until the next day. Embarrassingly, I could not stop throwing up. He had to drive us back to town in my car. I was horrified.
After he left, I made a conscious effort to get on the stuff to see how it really felt. I guess I wanted to understand and empathize.
Maybe now I'm able to relate a little. I put myself there out of love and I got myself out because of love. Love for my own life and others around me.
It may seem like a stupid decision but I don't regret it. I experienced so many incredible things, both good and bad. I met all different types of people along the way. I learned a lot about myself and I feel blessed to have come out the other side.
Don't misunderstand. I don't condone heroin use at all. I'm just relating my own personal experience with the stuff. I know of some who did not get out alive and some who are still in the muck. My heart still weeps for them.
It's now been years since I had a drink or done a drug. I even stopped smoking.
I don't know why I had the urge to write all this. I'm just glad that you got off the stuff and that you are working towards being a better being.
Your honesty is jarring here.
I know some (I myself included)
are in a sort of shock for this snapshot
of a time in your life.
I dont' mean anything about judgement
I am not one to judge
I just mean it's sad and
exhilerating at the same time
to hear the words of advice
I appreciate your candor
It's refreshing
You are one in a Batrilliillizillion SK.
Love ya too, friend. I don't believe that anyone who has NEVER gone through an addiction, has any real clue what the pain is really like. I'm not trying to join some "club" here or anything, but all I can say is that I know what you are talking about. I am glad though that you got through your battle, Steve. In all sincerity, you are a blessing.
Eternally Your Friend,
Ben V.
Hey,nice blog!!! I found a place where you can make an extra $800 or more a month. I do it part time and make a lot more than that. It is definitely worth a visit! You can do it in your spare time and make good cash. Make Extra Cash
Der Grandfather painted roses.
SK should paint SS
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